Sunday, August 5, 2012

Camp NaNo excerpt: MMC introduction

My August novel is a story I've been meaning to flesh out for some time, inspired by a short piece I wrote maybe a year ago about a woman who gains master mage status only to learn that the one thing she was most certain of was a lie.

Fire is the story of how Siva runs away from everything she knows to a land where her magic is forbidden and there finds love - only to be confronted by the need for her magic again.

So far, the book opens with Siva, but very shortly the male main character is introduced, and that's the excerpt I'm sharing today.

Avery cursed the gods for saddling him with such a troublesome charge. Who would have thought a well-bred boy of twelve could be so much trouble? But from the moment he had taken this job, Gavin had been nothing but trouble.

He knew he should be grateful for having this job - it kept him fed and sheltered, and even earned him pay to save, while still being respectable, if only barely. And Gavin wasn't a bad boy, just rambunctious and lacking in discipline. Most of the time Avery enjoyed his work. But not today.

Not when, in the middle of the biggest storm system the kingdom had seen in years, his twelve year old responsibility had wandered off outside somewhere. If Gavin got hurt, if - gods forbid - he died, Avery would be hung up for treasonous derelicting of duty. And he would deserve it.

What had he been thinking, letting Gavin "go down to the stables for a few hours"? Well, he had wanted some time alone to get through the damn history books that were so convoluted they made his eyes ache trying to read them. Didn't help he was only passably good at the ancient language they were written in.

But none of that would matter if Gavin died, he reminded himself. And while there had been servants outside for a good half hour now, it was time to admit that he should join the search. He had wanted to be here in case Gavin came back - or was dragged in - but there was no way he could tell the king he hadn't even tried. Even if, with his spectacles, he'd be nigh useless in this rain.

There was a knocking on the door, and Avery ran to open it, beating the footman normally assigned to the task - a fact of which he was proud until he remembered that the footman was actually outside in the rain right now.

Oh well. He opened the door, letting in the wind and driving rain, and nearly keeled over with relief when he saw Gavin. He bundled the boy and his finder inside, scolding the young prince with all the anger he could muster against his relief.

It wasn't until the boy had been bundled away by his manservant that he realized the woman who had brought Gavin in was still standing just inside the doorway, shivering. She looked cold to the bone.
I didn't know much about the MMC when I started writing Fire, and so I'm glad this section turned out as well as it did.

At least, right now I think it turned out well. Do you agree?


  1. Great way to introduce both Gavin and Avery! We learn so much about the both of them. I like it.

    I wanted to point out (I know this is a rough draft) that there is some pronoun confusion in the second paragraph. I had to reread it a few times to figure out who was who, since both Gavin and Avery are boys. But good work!

    1. Thanks for reading this & letting me know what you think. I'm glad it works overall to eyes other than mine.

      When you pointed out the pronoun issue I reread the whole thing and went "argh" because there are quite a few little things I ought to change. But in the interests of finishing this story, I will not. (my inner editor shall not win!)