Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sometimes... sometimes I just don't know

So I have a few posts in various states of readiness and I just can't seem to get my act together enough to put one up.

And I sleep a lot and want to skip class and oscillate between not really caring about my grades (which okay, for me still means I want 80+, but it's a big change from high school), and having all these goals and plans and maybe only halfheartedly folowing through.

And even though I have lots of people I can talk to and crash their group at dinners and even text, I often feel like I have no friends around (in meatspace. you guys online are great. just different.)

And even though today I found out that I'm having a piece I wrote used in a variant on the vagina monologues in my school, and that I've made the nordic ski race team, and I've been overjoyed about those two things -

I still feel like there's too much to do, like I'm overcommitted and stretched too thin and I don't have any support and I don't know what to do. I feel like my life is falling apart. But it's not really. These are just feelings I get semi-regularly.

Or maybe it's that while I have the strongest sense of self-confidence of anyone I know (to the point where it's a bad thing sometimes), I am also incredibly self-critical and I'm not sure it's healthy.

Is this normal in the first year away from home? Even after a successful first semester?

I think I need to talk to someone about all of this.

But I don't even have time to go get a flu shot. When do I have time to figure out myself and my life?

You all have better things to do than talk a whiny 18 year old through growing up, but every small supportive comment or tweet is appreciated.

(I debated about putting this up. But what the hell... better this than nothing, and I think I feel a bit better for having written and shared this. And then going and listening to epic Broadway music. That always helps. But it's frustrating to feel so up and then so down.)

4 comments:

  1. Look, I found 18,19, and 20 to be the hardest years of my life. It was overly emotional and draining figuring out who I was, especially since I was dating someone who was chronically depressed. It's all a matter of pushing through, working out what's best for YOU, and when you come out the other side you'll be the adult you want to be.

    Keep pushing, even through the bad days. There's a light on the other side, I promise.

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    1. Overly emotional sound like just the right words... thanks for the encouragement.

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  2. It sounds like you're suffering a little from depression. Which isn't a bad thing. Depression can be triggered by dramatic lifestyle changes (such as leaving home). Plus, even though you're adult, and I think you're very mature, you still have teenage hormores wreaking havoc on your emotional system.

    I don't know the best way to deal with depression. I've been suffering from it for the last 6 months since I got bad news at work, in a job I never wanted to make a career from. So it's silly to be depressed, but, I am. Still, there are plenty of ways to get help, and no shame in asking. Or in being depressed in the first place.

    The other thing to remember is that you're still very young. There's a lot of pressure to be an adult, or to go wild in college. But you don't have to be anything but yourself. There's not right or wrong way to live.

    Also remember, things take time, and don't happen in the way you suspect. It's okay to not know what you want to do, or to realize what you're doing (even extracirculars) isn't what you want. Tastes change. Things that were fun, stop. Things that weren't fun, become fun. Just take it one day at a time and realize just how much time you have.

    Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you the best.

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    1. I hope you know how much your support means to me... and that you think I'm mature and hope for good things for me - it helps get that pendulum swinging back towards happy feelings. Best of luck in your own struggles.

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